And. . . I'm an idiot.

Earlier this summer, I adopted a new mantra: "Screw it, just do it." Since I have decided to start living life a bit more adventurously, a lot of great things have happened to me, including but not limited to making a few big purchases. Approximately three weeks ago, I woke up on Thursday morning and thought to myself, "I'm going to buy a new car today." And that evening, I returned home the proud owner of a black Mini Cooper.

I must admit, zipping around the greater Los Angeles area in my new ride makes me feel pretty B.A. (as my students would put it), especially since parallel parking is no longer an issue. What makes this car even more exponentially cooler than it already is are a few of the features that I didn't even knew it offered. For example, the push-start ignition is customized so that it automatically adjusts the temperature, radio controls, sound settings, ambient lighting, etc. depending upon the key that is used. It has Steptronic shifting so that I can pretend like I know how to drive a standard. And of course, there is my favorite feature, telescopic tilt steering so that I now finally drive a car that I can steer with my knee (this is a big deal for someone of my 5-foot-even stature). That being said, there are a few things that have lent themselves to be a bit problematic. 1) For the life of me, I cannot figure out the blinker. Apparently, a slight tap will set the blinker to flash once, indicating a lane change, and a full tap will actually turn the blinker on. This seems to be too complicated for me to understand as I have yet to been able to detect the difference between the two. 2) I cannot get the stupid hatchback to close correctly. First it won't open, then it won't close, and there's something rattling around back there and I can't figure out what it is and it's driving me crazy. 3) My windshield wipers have a mind of their own. While driving around town today, they just decided to turn on by themselves. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be driving down the street on a cloudless day in Southern California and your windshield wipers are going a mile-a-minute across you window and you cannot figure out how to turn them off? Let me tell you, a lot. There are 9 options for my windshield wipers and they are all German icons so I have no idea what they all mean. And finally 4) remembering which side of the car the gas tank is on (but that's another story for another time).

My friends reassure me that getting rid of the good 'ole Oldsmobile Alero was a good decision, and being that I want to spend most of my spare time speeding through the canyons around Malibu and on PCH, I must agree with them, but at times I wonder if this state of the art German engineering is all that it's cracked up to be. I am a well educated person that has no problem programming the hands-free phone system or navigating the on-board computer, but when it comes to popping the trunk, I'm left scratching my head. Which leads me to my fifth discovery) birds have a radar for finding and defecating on brand new vehicles.