Sunday, September 4, 2011

This is my confession

After much thought and introspection, and being that there has been a four-month lull in the 'ole love life, I have had a lot of time to do so, and have come to the following conclusion: nerds make much better lovers. Blame it on the fact that I just moved to Cambridge, Nerd Central USA. Blame it on the fact that I've always found verbal sparring as a much stronger aphrodisiac than a six-pack (I'm an arms and chest girl myself). Blame it on the fact that I think playing a game of Trivial Pursuit is far more fun than going out and getting my drink on, although the combination of the two: bonus! Hello, my name is Michelle, and I'm a nerdoholic.

So, How did I come to such a conclusion might you ask? And what kind of nerd are we talking about? What is my stance on pocket protectors and briefcases? All valid inquiries.

I've always been boy crazy and got an early start back in kindergarten (Beau Thompson, if you're reading this, a tip of the hat to you). This mental illness has been both a blessing and a curse. I like to thing that I have rather good taste when it comes the male sex and have been associated with some great guys, but sometimes the craziness kicks in and the closest (can't say what I really want to say because I'm sure my Mom is going to read this, so insert your own noun for a not so quality fella) will have to do. It's a phase really, or at least that's what I'm choosing to call New Year's Eve. That being said, I have had encounters with a wide variety of gents, and here are my thoughts on all of them (names have been protected to change the guilty).

The Average Joe: Eh. That's exactly what you get, average. Not bad, but not great either. The problem with Joe is that he doesn't know he's average. I know, I know, every person is special in their own way, his just happens to be like just about every other guy who thinks a great, creative date is dinner and a movie. I'm not knocking Joe, I'm just not endorsing him either.

The Athlete: Ugh. Sure, eye candy is always a plus, but at the end of the day, if you can't carry on a conversation without incorporating a sports analogy, game over. I've date a few jocks, and even had brief encounter with a professional athlete, and let me tell ya, just cause their good on the field doesn't mean their good everywhere else. Dear Jock, Just cause you're ripped does not mean that you're automatically an awesome kisser, cuddler, listener, etc, but before I break up with you, would you please first do a few push ups with your shirt off?

The Nice Guy: Aww. It's true, nice guys do finish last. Why? Because they're too busy being nice to notice that other guys are beating them to the goal line. Don't get me wrong, I love a man who treats others well and believes that chivalry is not dead, but as a woman, sometimes you want a guy who will fight for you, will stand up for himself, will be a bad a**. Speaking of which. . .

The Bad Boy: Yum. In the illustrious words of Michele Pfeiffer, sometimes a girl needs a c-o-o-l-r-i-d-e-r. Yes, a motorcycle riding/vintage American heavy metal driving, tattooed, leather-clad, dark, mysterious, need I go on? However, at the end of the day, the Bad Boy is really just another form of the Average Joe who is dealing with some repressed issues from childhood. Awesome for the rebound, not so great for a life partner.

Assorted Others: The Musician/Artist, The Frat Boy, The Hipster, The Workaholic/A-Type. All subdivisions of the aforementioned types of men.

And finally, The Nerd: Yay! Now, to clarify, I'm not talking about the nerd circa Saved by the Bell, or the guy who spends so much time playing Settlers that he truly believes he can build his own civilization, but the boy who feels just as manly finishing the Sunday NYT crossword as he would had he rebuilt an engine. Sure he probably has an unhealthy obsession with Star Wars, but at least he's busy refining his light saber skills instead of schtupping another woman. And even though he probably isn't spending his time pouring over great works of literature, at least you know he can read that Wired magazine and actually understand it enough to make sure he can provide you with all the tech support you'll ever need. Let's not skip over the fact that he reads. Reader equals thinker which equals can actually hold his own in a debate for the sum of HOT!

Here's the wonderful thing about nerds: they can't believe they're actually dating someone so they do their best not to screw it up. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. Men who get a lot of action don't think they have to work for it, thus minimizing their ability to fulfill all of a woman's needs. Most nerds don't have a long rap sheet of exes and that all inexperience lends itself to being extra caring, extra romantic and extra listening which leads to excellent tending to.

So the next time you see a skinny guy wearing glasses and reading a graphic novel, just think, he may be your own personal Han Solo.

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